Phew! Yesterday was a lot.

When things happen, I know and I also don’t know. I recently just realized that I can sense things that are about to happen by feeling the way I’d feel after they happen.

I’ve said a lot of “no wonder I…” these past few days. “No wonder I was anxious.” “No wonder I was feeling some kind of way.” Now I’d pay more attention to the sudden changes in my mood.

I know. It’s been a long azz time. A lot has happened since January 17th that I last posted here but God’s love has been constant. As usual, my father has been good, faithful and kind to me.

There are random scenes from movies that live rent free in my head.

In Merlin, it’s when Arthur fought Morgana’s men and finally broke into the palace to see her sitting on the throne. It was the first time they were seeing each other after Morgana’s betrayal. Arthur said “I thought we were friends.” And Morgana’s epic reply, the actual words that live in my head was “as did I.” I don’t know what it is about that scene or the words but it’s stayed in my head.

In War room, it’s when Elizabeth’s husband sat down with the drugs he stole. His wife asked what he was doing and he said “I’m struggling.” I personally connect with this scene because we all struggle with accepting God’s will sometimes.

We struggle between what we know is right and what we think we can get away with.

We struggle between what we want and what God says.

These struggles give us a slight glimpse of what Jesus went through in the garden of gethsemane.

I’m struggling too.

Between December and now, I’ve found something really special. An answer to a prayer I didn’t actually pray but God answered anyway. God has made ways where they were no ways. God has been good to me. Why then am I struggling if everything is so good? Will. That’s what I’m struggling with.

Sometimes, the way God speaks to me is funny. He speaks to me through myself. So I’m talking to someone, taking a part in prayer meeting or teaching Bible Study and what I’m teaching is more for me than the people I’m speaking to.

For instance, I’m struggling with accepting God’s will and God is saying teach total dependence and trust in God tomorrow. I’m laughing because my teaching will be full of shots directly fired at myself. Nice one Holy Spirit. Nice one.

Holy Spirit has been talking to me a lot about absolute surrender to God. He’s been teaching me to see God as my help, my beginning, my end and everything in between.

I’ve told God there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to him or leave for him in a heartbeat but I lied. There are things I’m still keeping from him. Things I want and I hope God understands how much they mean to me. Lol. So much for all of God and none of me.

I’ve implicated myself with songs. I sang I choose your way even if it’s not easy. I sang that I’ve left everything to be his all the days of my life. I’ve sang many songs that mean: God. Take all of me. Spend my life like money. Use me like black jeans.

Now, God is coming to take the life I gave him and I’m crying “God. It’s play oh. Take everything but leave small for me. Take this part but leave this part for me. Take all of this area but don’t touch this area.” God is here for the self I gave away but I’m drawing boundaries. Leemao.

Unlike Jephthah who fulfilled his vow to God despite how hard it was, I’m here stalling.

I’m a long term thinker. My spontaneity is random and not as dominant as my long term thinking. So, everything I do, I’m doing because it fits into God’s long term plan for my life. I try to make sure everything I do fits into the big picture of my life but apparently, those plans have been my plans not God’s.

I’ve been pitching my ideas to God. Basically saying, I know you have the best plans for me but look at my plans, you’re popular in it too. Why not just endorse this?

I’m saying something like “of course, I’d walk with you all the days of my life but instead of being a full time walker how about I do little bit of running too. I mean, I do have long and fast legs (that you gave me) I could use them to glorify you too, you know.”

And God is saying, no Adejumobi, just walk and I’m wondering, how do I explain this? How do I tell people that expect me to be a world class runner that God only wants me to walk? And I’m asking, why give me the talents and abilities if you won’t let me use them?

Even if I understand, will the people that have invested so much in my running skills understand. Will they? And God is saying, I made you, did they? Is your life theirs or mine?

Before you refuse to accept the will of God for your life because of what people will think/say or how they’ll react. Remember that people are the most unpredictable creations ever. Like the smell of a fart, they’re all in your face this minute and nowhere to be found the next.

One unpopular thing God does with the talents, abilities and dreams he gives us is use them to break us. He gives you all these things and then says “child, give them to me.” Like Isaac. When God wanted Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, he was specific. He said “…thine only son Isaac whom thou lovest.”

The son Abraham gave birth to when he was 100 years. The same one God said everything he’s said about Abraham will be fulfilled through. Of course, Isaac was not Abraham’s only son but he was the recognized one and that very one is the one God asked for.

Yes. Sometimes God gives us talents, gifts, skills and abilities to use them and sometimes, he gives us to teach us. Either way, God is glorified. And at the end of the day, nothing matters more than the will of God. It’s fine for our flesh to fight it. Actually, it’s quite normal but then again, nothing is worth losing Christ for. Nothing.

I know these truths but am I still struggling? I’m struggling and considering the different ways God’s plan is better. I’m struggling and bracing myself. I’m struggling and saying God help me. Now, it doesn’t sound like struggling anymore.

It sounds like breaking. And God breaks us to use us. If it’s not broken, flexible and malleable it’s not fit to be used by God. God is breaking me. Lol. Funny how, it just got clearer as I typed “God is breaking me.” It’s like carving an object. Cutting off the excesses to get the perfect shape.

I’m putting this post here for someone that feels like God is asking too much of them. I’m putting this here for that person that feels like God is unfair because other people seem to have it better. I’m putting this here for that person that feels like their world is changing and nothing is the same anymore.

I’m putting this here for that person that no longer understands what’s going on in their life. I’m writing this for that person in the breaking process, the preparation process. I’m writing this for that person that’s currently in gethsemane. I’m writing this because I know a lot of people will be able to relate to this. God is claiming ownership of people’s hearts and a lot of these people don’t even know they’re on God’s radar.

I’m putting this here so they can find it when they get to that “ohhh God” moment and all I have to say is:

Trust God.

It doesn’t have to make sense. As a matter of fact, it won’t make sense. The people around you might react negatively to it. Your reputation might be hurt. I don’t know exactly how it’d be for you but I know it’d break you. It will shake the world you’ve built. It will scatter your plans and even some relationships. You might even cry. But trust God. I mean, he’s God. If you don’t trust him, who will you trust? Yourself? Friends? Family? I mean, come on. Who/what are you choosing over God?

Your ambitions? Your desires? Your friends? Come onnnnnnnm.

You’ll look back at this struggling phase and shake your head or laugh at yourself for being so willing to choose clay over gold.

You’re thinking of the process gold goes through and you’re dreading it so you think clay is better. Don’t shortchange yourself. Don’t settle for less. Don’t be shallow. Choose God. Choose him and foolishly trust him. He’ll help you too. He’s the one that send us and goes with us. Tell him it’s hard. Lay all your worries at his feet and take his peace.

It’s really simple. It’s not easy but it’s simple. It’s worth it too.

I feel so much better after writing this. I hope you feel the same after reading it.

God loves you so much. So very much.