I have a very bad habit of picking my face. I’ve tried to stop but I keep going back to it. Two minutes after I scream “Adejumobi get your hands off your face”, my hands are back on my face. Then, I’d say “last time. I won’t pop any more pimple after this”. But the more I pop, the more pimples appear and I know this. I know this and I hate the black spots but my hands won’t leave my face alone.

Now, I’ve never thought of myself as ugly. I’ve never been called ugly either. When someone tells me I’m beautiful and I say “I know”, I mean it. People often call it pride but who said deflecting compliments and acting like you’ve never heard something you’ve heard a thousand times is the right way to take compliments?

Recently, someone said “Ayanfe is one of those fine people that are actually photogenic.” I can’t remember how I responded to it but in my head, I tsk tsked. Thing is, when I take photos, especially potraits, all I see are black spots. So, it’s like “oh well, say hi to the consequences of your actions.” I’ve never been able to look past the black spots. I don’t think “I’m so beautiful” when I see the photos. I think “whoosh, I could pass for a leopard with all these black spots.” But a friend sees the same pictures and they think they’re beautiful because to them, my facial features isn’t what makes me beautiful. Hence, the black spots can’t make me ugly.

Love sees and believes the best.

So, even if they say something like “what’s happening to your face, are you breaking out again?” It’s not from a place of condemnation, it’s from a place of love.

This morning, I’d say a simple prayer for you. I pray that wholehearted love becomes the most recurring phenomenon in your life. That the Lord bless you with people that see you beyond your skin and flaws yet they love you in your skin and with your flaws.

Lastly, if you pick your face like me. Stop it. Let’s do better. This beauty will not maintain itself yes.

Okay not lastly. The truth is, we can’t entirely be objective. This whole human thingy runs on sentimentality and bias. I have favorite pictures of my family and friends and it’s not necessarily the ones they’re best dressed in, it’s the one that did something to my heart and still does something to my heart everytime I see it; sentiments.

I have a black pants that is so worn out but I still continue to wear it because my mum bought it for me. I had to choose between a new big stapler and a rusted small stapler, I chose the latter because it belonged to my Dad.

Love is sappy. You can’t love someone and not simp—but you can be like me and simp with at least a strand of dignity. However, a simp is still a simp.What do you think it means that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us: legendary simping.

Imagine the Inspector General of the Nigerian Police force comes out today to say “I agree that boko haram and bandits have been a menace to this nation. I believe they’re sorry for their actions and willing to do better. Therefore, I surrender myself as a scape goat to be punished in their stead.” This makes no damn sense right? And it doesn’t even compare to what God did. That’s love. You can’t explain it away. It’s a force.

Just like faith, logic can’t explain love. Love is what makes you look at someone that has been a pain in your throat and ask them “so, what do you want to eat?” Love is what makes you look at someone that has hurt you deeply and say “I forgive you.” Love is what makes you choose the happiness of someone else over your own comfort. Love is what makes you apologize even when you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Love is what makes you think about situations that should make you furious and smile. Love promotes peace so instead of pursuing matters that’d disrupt peace, you look away and love anyway.

Love will make you swallow your pride and eat your words because the uncle that says “I’d never marry an igbo girl” will suddenly start saying “no. This one is different.” Love will throw your standards in the gutter. Love will redefine compromise to you. Love will make you feel, it’d fill your chest and your belly. It’d make you take a deep breath and think “life is beautiful”.

And truth be told, you can’t get the best of life if you don’t recognize love as the foundation of all things and put it in its place. Content is king on social media but in life, love rules.

Don’t be fooled. There’s no hard guy anywhere. The supposed hard guys are just people that internalize their feelings. We all feel feelings. Those who know me know I’m a huge softie. I don’t deny it, you just may never see it.

But we all have to get to that place where our love is genuine and unguarded. That’s the only way to live. It’s the truth. Love is the truth. More than the 1 million souls you want to win for God, he wants your heart. If your love and attention means so much to Almighty God, imagine how much it’d mean to a fellow human. We can’t thrive without love. We may survive but it’s always going to be a struggle. We weren’t only made to worship and bring glory to God, we were made to love and be loved. As a matter of fact, love is the purest form of worship. Loving God with your entire being and loving your neighbor as yourself.

Love isn’t a sprint though. It’s a marathon. Why would we need God’s enablement to love if loving was easy? 1st Corinthians 13 shares with us the characteristics of love and it just blows my mind every time.

Love forgives. Love sees and believes the best. Love perseveres. Love stays. Love trusts. Love is not insecure. Love is not selfish. Love isn’t always convenient but it’s always love. Love is a giver. Love never gives up. Love never quits. Love doesn’t hide. Love isn’t passive. Love is not a freelancer. Love is committed. Love is fully present. And we know that God is love.

The Bible says in Daniel 11 vs 32 “…and they that know their God shall be strong and do exploits.” If God is love and love is God, then this scripture is saying that if you know love, you’d be strong and you’d do exploits. So, love is strength. Love is the key to doing great things. I used to believe the whole “vulnerability is strength” statement was rubbish. Now, we know it isn’t. You’re strong when you love.

I grew up in unstable and dysfunctional circumstances. As a means of survival, I developed strict coping and defense mechanisms. Now, as an adult, I realize that although, I have forgiven all and moved on, the mechanisms I put in place have become so ingrained in my soul that it’s hard to tell them apart.

I realized that this was standing in the way of my relationship with God so I began to pray for a soft heart. A heart that sees and believes the best. A heart that’s content with all that’s available in Christ. I’m like a warrior that has finally conquered after fighting so many battles but can’t take off her battle gear.

Many times, I’d want to say something to someone or post something on my status then I’d think “that’s too personal” or “that’s too vulnerable” and erase it. I keep my battle gear on because what if I take it off and the enemy attacks. To be honest, I’m always on guard. I admire people who act with grey abandon because I can’t. I do the maths in my head before I walk the walk or even talk the talk. My spontaneity is most obvious in how I spend. In other areas, I’ve learned to be wary.

Then there’s God telling me “Adejumobi, this is not the way to live.” And I see myself changing. I see myself sending those personal and vulnerable messages instead of deleting them. Although I still don’t know how to respond to sweet words and gestures and I still say “thank you” and “I appreciate that” when I mean to say “I love you”, I know I’m not where I used to be. My heart is thawing and God is helping me.

The funny thing is, God never promised to make sure we don’t get hurt in loving. So, loving genuinely doesn’t mean you won’t have to chest one or two heartbreaks. It’s all part of it. But God helps us still. He helps us to love through the hurts and heartbreaks, he helps us to love and love some more.

This blog is another way God is teaching me vulnerability. I’d never willingly want to share the stuff I post here but whatever my mumu button is, God has it. Hence, my obedience even when it makes me cringe. And guess what? I like it. I’m learning to know God beyond my father and God, I’m learning to know him as my lover and it’s been a beautiful journey. I’m beginning to share my locked away parts with God. Someday, I’d be able to share it with people too but for now, enjoy this beautiful playlist on Apple Music titled “a date with my beloved.”

Enjoy.

With love and an open heart,

Ayanfeoluwa.