I’m learning that it’s okay.

I don’t have myself or my life all figured out and that’s okay. That’s entirely okay.

As believers, it’s easy for us to feel pressured to know everything and live the perfect life. Afterall, we serve a perfect God. But putting all these pressure on ourselves would be foolishness on our part because we don’t just become Christ. We grow into Christ. It’s a process. Nobody calls the structure of an uncompleted building nonsense because they know that’s not the final phase of the building. It’s the same with us. We’re masterpieces and works in progress. We’re both whole and broken and that’s okay. That’s entirely okay.

I’ve watched people and I learn a lot from watching. One thing I’ve learned from reading biographies, autobiographies and watching people is that NOBODY has it all figured out. Not even a single person. Everyone is just trying. Never mind that some people act like they’re 100% sure and they have it all figured out. They’re either faithing it or faking it.

One thing I’d never forget from Mark Mason’s subtle art of not giving a fugg is where he mentioned that certainty is the cause of many problems if not all. An armed robber robs because he’s certain that the society has been unfair to him and robbing others is a fair enough option. We’re so sure of our judgements, perception, decisions that most times we’re not even open minded enough to listen to someone else’s.

It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to not be sure. It’s okay to grow. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to mess up in the process of growing. It’s okay to make stupid decisons. It’s okay to make a fool of yourself. What’s not okay is refusing to learn and do better.

I don’t think I know how to interpret my emotions. I don’t think I can accurately express what I’m feeling. I can’t express it because I mostly don’t know. But I’m a what and a why person so I probe. I think long and hard until I find a way to explain it but usually, I’m wrong. It’s starting to dawn on me that there’s still a lot I don’t know about myself and that’s entirely okay. I wouldn’t be on this level of knowing myself if I hadn’t thought I knew so much and relented. But I am on this level and that’s okay. I’m MARCHing on still.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from these past weeks, it’s that I don’t trust God enough and I trust my feelings too much. I’ve seen clearly from these past few weeks that I depend on my feelings a lot and it affects my thinking. I don’t know if I’m a thinker or a feeler. I just know that my mind is super active and my emotions are intense. I know this is God showing me a need. A need to yield my mind to the Spirit more and a need to quiet and gain mastery over my emotions. I want to say lesson learned but is it really? I think sometimes we don’t actually know what we think we know. We know it but we don’t really know it. We just know it.

God deals with our pride by first revealing it to us. You think it’s your self-discipline and self-control that’s helping you live a ordered life whereas it’s the Holy Spirit guiding your steps. Situations like these do not just reveal our need for God, they also help us see that we don’t actually know what we know. It’s like you saying God is your jireh and panicking when you’re about to spend your last 1k. Panic? Why? Will God fail to provide? So most times, we expect some spiritual truths to manifest in our lives. As a matter of fact, we get angry when they don’t but if we look well, we’d see our unbelief and doubts bouncing out these truths from our hearts.

Lol. Sometimes, God will do what he wants to do either you have faith or not. Other times, you just gotta have faith.

Also, I think we underestimate the devil a lot and this isn’t very wise because the devil has been around for longer and his sole purpose is to drag us down to his level. He has absolutely nothing to lose. We have everything to lose yet we underestimate him. I looked at something that happened to me recently and while I felt really stupid for messing up, the Holy Spirit helped me to see it from another angle. Then I thought, if the devil is doing this much to disturb and distract me, then there’s something I’m doing right. The devil won’t go after someone that isn’t a threat to him. So if he’s trying to stop me then I’m onto something that pleases my father. Hence, we MARCH.

I can’t. I won’t. I shan’t and I mustn’t end this post without talking about feelings/emotions. We have the brain that’s the control center of every part of the body and we have the mind, the processing center. If God wanted us to be led by our feelings, there wouldn’t have been any need for the mind. The mind is there to think, to compare, contrast and decide yeah? The mind is literally the life of the body because a mindless person is barely a person. So, doing something or refusing to do something because we feel like or we don’t feel like is not reason enough.

Should I only be kind when I feel like being kind?

Should I only love people I feel mushy about?

Should I push the baby resting on me away because I don’t feel like having someone rest on me?

Should I only be joyful when I feel like?

Should I only pray when I feel like?

Our feelings are expressions of our natural inclinations. So, a man led by the Spirit can not be led by feelings. Feelings are natural. They’re biological. They are spiritually bankrupt. Hence, you know you’re wrong as a believer if your reason for doing or not doing something is based on feelings. The natural man is selfish. Hence, feelings are always “I” based. Feelings do not take others into consideration. Feelings is me, myself and I. Am I saying feelings should never be trusted? Dang right. I am. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.

Feelings are also very deceptive and tricky. They overpower you so much that you either stop hearing God or you hear him upside down. What I’m basically saying is: live by the Spirit not by feelings. Feel your feelings but don’t be ruled by them. Those things you’re naturally inclined to do as a man, fight them. Will you always fight or win the fight? No. And that’s okay. That’s entirely okay. Just keep MARCHing on.

I always talk about how impatient I am and how much I hate waiting. God teaches me patience by keeping me waiting.

One of the first words my teachers, my family or even friends would use to describe me is inquisitive. I ask a lot of questions and trust me, for every one question I ask out loud, there’s a million more in my mind. I also have a thing for specificity. Spell it out to me. Give me the full gist in concise and clear terms. So, God gives me bits and pieces and asks me to trust him. In my impatience, I try to draw out answers from him. I get so focused on getting more information that I don’t see waiting as an option. All I’m thinking is “I want more information and I want it now”.

Eventually, I get something to run with only to find out later on that I’m running on a path that’s not God’s path because it’s not only God that speaks. The devil speaks, demons speak, your mind speaks even your feelings speak so when you’re so eager to hear and God isn’t speaking, these other ones take advantage of your curiousity and impatience. When you start looking for what’s not lost, you’d most likely find what God didn’t give you.

God won’t tell you everything everytime but he’d tell you what you need to know when you need to know it. This is where trust and faith comes in. You need to have faith in him and trust him to order your steps even in your not knowing. And even when you make mistakes, trust him to help you. That God is silent doesn’t mean he’s absent. Just trust him.

I went home last weekend and I didn’t know why I was going home because I mean, I didn’t go home for Christmas or Newyear and here I am going home on Saturday to return on Monday. I still don’t know why I went home but I believe one of the reasons was to get perspective.

I found many reasons to be grateful at home even though I didn’t see them at first. There’s a way we hold onto God’s word and what he said he’d do that we don’t see what he’s doing. We’re so focused on getting more that we don’t even know what we have. We’re not even grateful for it.

By now, you should already know the structure of my posts are weird. I want to talk about love. I’d start by asking a honest question. How do you know you love someone?

Someone recently said to me “it’s like you’re incapable of loving someone.” This is not the first time I’d be getting this kind of comment. Many people have called me cold. They say I lack the ability to express emotions. Others say, I just don’t acknowledge emotions. Usually, I’d end this with what I think is true of myself because I always have an explanation for everything but I’ve learned. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not know. So, yes. I don’t know if they’re right or not. I just know that I’m human and I’m God’s beloved.

I know God is love and I have God. I know I care about people even though I express it strangely. I really don’t know how else to. I don’t have a great understanding of the intricacies of love. This is okay too. I just need to keep getting to know God because the more I know him, the more I know me because I’m in him and he’s in me. Because we’re one, knowing him is knowing me.

I really don’t know what I’m saying when I say “I love you.” I thought I did but after the past weeks, I’m not sure anymore. I don’t know if I love you or how I know I love you. I just know that God is love and I’m helped by him to express him.

When we hear the part of the Bible that says the love of money is the root of all evil, we think things like money makes you do terrible things like rituals and all that. But what can be more evil than doubting and not believing in God? That’s what the love of money does. God says I’ll bless you but you’re lying and hoarding money because you have a scarcity mindset. You don’t believe God because the last time you waited for him to provide you went to bed hungry. So you think your lying and scheming can meet your needs better than God. Unbelief. This is where greed comes in and this is the point it gets out of hand.

Money is not the problem. Money is just a means of exchange. Everyone needs money. The big question is for what? Some people need money to exchange for their needs. Some people need money to buy the love of other people. Some people need money to acquire power. Some people need money to control others. The problem is usually never what? It’s mostly why?

Why do you do what you do?

Why do you even need God?

Why are you reading this post?

Why do you have a phone?

Why?

If you ever need clarity on a situation, start by asking why. Why reveals you to you. It shows you your heart posture and your unpopular thoughts.

The thoughts you don’t say out loud.

Why did I write this post?

To clear my head

Why did I publish this post?

To help someone.

I want to ask myself how but nahhh, go figure. I can’t do all the thinking for you.