A lot has changed.

I don’t remember the exact age my older sister left the house but I know I was really young because I don’t remember much about living with her as a child. I only remember her occasional visits. I’m not trying to be poetic but the situation of my family when I was growing was like a raging storm. A raging storm with sprinkles of calm and because I wasn’t Jesus, I couldn’t sleep through it.

I don’t know how affected my older sister was by the dysfunction and instability that was the order of the day in my family and how she dealt with it because like I mentioned earlier, she left the house before I began to see what was going on. I know my brother dealt with his own my surrendering to the wind of peer pressure. Thinking about it now, I think my brother withdrew from everything before I learned to do the same even though we found solace in different things entirely.

Then there’s Tolani, I didn’t always like Tolani. I wanted a sibling I could be close to and I didn’t have the sense, the patience or even the love to look past the Down’s syndrome and see my sister. So I’ve looked at Tolani more than once and thought “why are you not normal? Why are you not like my friends’ younger sisters?”

So, my sister left physically. My brother left mentally and emotionally. Tolani was never really there. Babe just wants to pack load and look nice. This leaves me trying to process why my parents didn’t do better or weren’t doing better and why life was so stupid and pointless and painful. I was always so sad and when my mum complains about my persistent foul mood, I’d shake my head and wonder how she couldn’t see the terrible situation of our family. Lol. Apparently, she knew but unlike me, she wasn’t trying to escape, she’d given in to the consequence of her decision. She’d live with it come what may.

I’d always felt like it was my responsibility to piece my family together and install peace as the default family vibes. So I tried to do this both by hook and by crook. Sometimes I’d fight, rebel and talk back. Sometimes I’d cry to God and pray. Sometimes I’d just breeze through like I was a guest in the house but nothing worked. The more I felt like I could change the situation and changing the situation is my responsibility, the more messed up I became. Fight between my parents affected me. Fight between my siblings affected me. I made everything my concern and was always dwelling on how unfortunate the situation was.

Then a shift came. I decided to act more and worry less. At this point, I’d gotten exposed to more people. I had more friends and my sole purpose in life was to solve everybody’s problem and make everyone happy. I was a wannabe party jollof. So I wasn’t only jumping into my family’s business, I was jumping into my friends businesses. I was the always available good friend everyone could count on. I was always neglecting myself to show up for people. I’d even go as far as blame myself for what they were going through. Talmbout, Oh! She’s unhappy because I’m not talking to her enough. She’s struggling because I’m not praying for her. I was the tension and pressure in my own life. I was the brethren and I was the accuser of the brethren.

The whole stress began to get to me. I started experiencing crazy anxiety episodes. How much I’ve neglected myself to save the world caught up with me. I experienced a mental breakdown. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I don’t usually say I was depressed because I was never clinically diagnosed. The only tests I took were online. My therapy sessions were equally online. So I just say I’ve been through series of melancholic phases in my life. Trust me, I wasn’t always a happy and cheerful person.

During the breakdown, I buried myself in books. I began to make intentional efforts to get to know myself. I began to think about memories I’d buried. I began to hear my own story and retell it to myself. Even when I got better, I was still struggling with the melancholic phase. The high and low pattern I’ve experienced all my life. It was in the middle of this that God began to woo me again. (Siri, play me amazing grace).

God has done so much for me and he has taught me a lot. He still is. He’s teaching me that as much as I’m supposed to be a light to others, my shining shouldn’t be to my own detriment. I can’t even give what I don’t have in the first place. A lamp burns because there’s fuel in it. He’s teaching me to fuel my lamp. He’s filling me with himself. Breaking and shaping my heart because my motives are as important as my actions.

Now, there are people around me that I care about. I know they’re going through stuff but I’m not immersing myself into their problems because it’s not in my place to solve them, all I can do is help. So I pray for them and let them know I’m here whenever they need me. I hardly wake up in the middle of the night but I was so invested in a particular issue concerning people that were dear to my heart that I woke up in the midnight and I saw their faces flash through my mind. I had to pray because I didn’t know what else to do.

God is teaching me not just to act but to act with the right posture. He’s breaking the mindset of I must always mind my people’s business and building the mindset of God, what are you saying? What should I do? Help me to help this person. Understand that you can’t save anyone and you can’t help everyone. You’re not equipped to fight all battles. The Holy Spirit is your guide, allow him guide you.

I know I’m at a sensitive stage in my life. At this stage, God is deliberate about drawing my heart to himself till every mindset and posture that resists him is broken down. I’m intentional about aligning myself with all he’s doing so these days, my constant prayer is for help and mercy.

I keep saying this, contrary to popular opinion or what I used to project, I’m not a hard guy, I’m a huge softie but I’ve learned resilience. I’m sane today by the grace of God through resilience. Now, I’m all out. There’s no more hiding for me. So instead of pretending to be unmoved by something that’s piercing my heart, I just ask God to help me. And even without me knowing it, he orders my steps and leads me to the place of rest he has prepared for me. See Exodus 23 vs 20.

In my mind, I’m just obeying the Holy Spirit and going about my daily business. Then God hits me with a huge blessing and shows me how my mundane actions through obeying the Holy Spirit contributed to the arrival of the blessing. He shows me how he’s helping me to help me.

I’d end this post with this: there’s only one manual to building and maintaining a relationship with God and the manual is God himself through his Spirit and his word. Learn to pause and ask, God, what are you saying? What should I do? Learn to pause and say, God help me. Learn to go to the throne of grace to obtain mercy and grace to help in time of need.

Learn to be vulnerable with God. Learn to admit your weakness to him. Be naked with God. Learn to depend on him. Hold the Holy Spirit and don’t let him go. Ask him. Tell him. Listen to him. Obey him. Negotiate with him. Yesssss. You can negotiate. I’d probably write a post about this later but what I’m saying now is: stop forming for God, allow him immerse you in his love and help you. Let him be your Ebenezer.