My laptop charger is misbehaving or maybe it’s the laptop. The misbehavior has been happening for a while and apparently, I’m unbothered. Then one of my landladies asked “you’re not worried?” I was genuinely at a loss for what to say because I didn’t understand why I should worry. If I want to start worrying about the things misbehaving in my life, I wouldn’t have time to write blogposts. I might also have to drop out of school to be a full time worrier because:

My phone is misbehaving. It goes off and comes on at will. It has a become a boss of itself. Thanks to its battery.

I have no source of income. So everyday, I have to wait for God to provide. I anticipate where my next meal or money will come from.

So I proved myself to be a typical Nigerian by returning the question with another question “what would my worry solve?” See, I’m a spender. So, not having money is one of the worse things that could happen to me. Ha. I don’t have money to spoil myself or spring surprises on people. There are other ways to show kindness but money is a wonderful way to do it. I like the money way (imagine using dollars to close that Yemi’s sharp mouth).

There’s this thing Tasha Cobbs said at the beginning of gracefully broken that lives rent free in my head. She said:

“God will break you to position. Break you to promote you. Break you to put you in the right place but when he breaks you, he doesn’t hurt you. When he breaks you, he doesn’t destroy you. He does it with grace.” This is a good way to sum up what I’m currently experiencing. I understand that I can’t do much in Christ if I’m not broken. Until I get to the end of myself, I can’t see Jesus. Until my heart is as tender as a baby’s bottom (I’m not even sure if a baby’s bottom is tender but you get my point yeah), I’ve not started walking with God. (Serve God with a hardened heart? How?)

Habakkuk 3 vs 18 will make more sense when God has chiseled all the independence and self sufficiency out of us. When he brings us to the place of total dependence and trust in him through breaking. Then the faith in all its ridiculousness becomes our reality.

Now, when people expect me to pay dues or do stuff that pertains to money as swiftly as I used to and I don’t, they think I’m being difficult or something. I usually do not explain, I just say I don’t have because even when I tell people I’m broke they don’t understand how bad it is. People generally believe that I’m okay and I am. It’s just that I don’t have access to the money they think I have now. I’m like a trust fund baby (so yes guys, I’m wealthy but calm down).

I’m sharing this to say that in walking with God, he’d take us through ridiculous phases that people may not understand. I mean ridiculous situations and experiences that you can’t explain because they simply do not make sense. Even friends and family will say things like “are you the only one serving God?” Some might even take offense, distance themselves from you and thingamajig. Yes, you’d be hurt but you won’t die. Face God.

Yes, I don’t panic or worry as easily as before but sometimes, I do get sad. I get sad when I’m craving or in need of something I can’t afford. I get sad when I can’t do what I really want to do like buy my sister a birthday gift although I overcome the sadness more times than I give in to it. I do this by confessing words, speaking over myself, listening to my songs, praying or just sleeping.

This phase is not easy for me but I understand Romans 8 vs 28. I really do. I want it to end as soon as possible (so I can be the baller that I am) but I’m more concerned about getting all God wants me to get out of it. So, my gaze is totally fixed on him and so shall it be, all the days of my life. Amen.

P.S: TRUST GOD