Contrary to popular opinion, I’m a very soft and sensitive person. I wouldn’t say I’m emotional because I’m neither prone to emotion nor dominated by them. Although I feel emotions intensely, I have a significant control over them (this is probably why people think I’m a tough cookie. Lol.) Now, people automatically think that being sensitive means being easily hurt. That’s not entirely it. A sensitive person is prone to hurt because they perceive/experience more than the average person.

People have told me so many times that I’m hard to impress and I disagree everytime. My heart is the easiest thing to win in this life (maybe not the easiest but you get the gist). It seems like I’m hard to impress because my thoughts are sponsored by my perception and being the sensitive person that I am, my perception is sharper and deeper than the average person’s perception.

If there’s any other feedback I’ve gotten about my writings apart from them being awesome (of course), it’s that they’re emotive. I’m not emotional but my writings are, why? How? Empathy. I’m sensitive therefore I can experience emotions I’m not actually feeling by being sensitive to the person feeling it. Sometimes, I don’t even have to be consciously sensitive, I just catch it.

I learned at a very young age that being soft is a disadvantage (I’m still unlearning). I hated the fact that I was sensitive because my expression of this sensitivity was always condemned. I felt odd. Things that seemed normal to others bothered me and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just keep it moving like everyone else. So, I tried to toughen up. I taught myself to act like I’m really not bothered maybe then I really won’t.

Lol. But my heart is still my heart. I am still who I am. I used to cry a lot. A whole lot. Because most of the things that hurt me were usually unexplainable to the people around me who could never understand my thoughts or how I expressed them. So I’d just cry alone. For many years, I’d “straight-face” my way through situations and words that hurt me then go somewhere else to cry by myself.

I can’t pretend but I can hide. Most times, I use anger as a shield. Sometimes you see me ranting and raving. Lol. It’s not anger, it’s hurt. And because I’m such a deep feeler, I hate getting angry because when I allow anger, it engulfs me. The only thing I can hear is my heart pounding and the only thing I can feel is the fire in my chest and the shaking of my hands.

But I’m at that place where I don’t respond to hurt with retreat anymore. I have no reason to hide. Yes, I still pray for God to save me from myself but I don’t believe there’s a monster living inside of me waiting to consume me anymore. In my walk with God, my sensitivity is a blessing (still a responsibility but no longer a burden) and he’s helping me to finetune it. He’s teaching me to be who I am and not who I think I am. Now, I can not not love. I can not keep building walls. Holy Spirit won’t let me. Even the ones I’ve built are being broken. Lol.

Now, I’m like, I love you. If you hurt me, it’d cause me a lot of pain and I’d cry. But I’d get through it. I’d forgive you and I’d move on. And no, it won’t stop me from loving anyone else as fully as I should. How did I go from being guarded to being vulnerable? (Lol. God will break you.) I’m quite stubborn so the Holy Spirit teaches me through repeated experiences.

God is breaking me and I’m not enjoying it but it’s what I signed up for. I’m totally down for it too. I’m still not there yet. ‘Cause you’d most likely never see me cry or look like a wounded puppy when I’m hurt but at least, I deal with my emotions now. I don’t lock them up somewhere and move on like nothing happened. I’m not running and hiding anymore (at least not consciously).

I’m doing my possible best to cooperate with the Holy Spirit because I want what he wants for me. Then, I think about where I’m coming from and where I am now and I’m both surprised and amused. Lol. I always say if I wasn’t such a Jesus baby, I’d be a terrorist because a person consumed by pent up emotions is a dangerous person to themselves and to others and that’s who I used to be.

Not anymore. Now, I have the mind of Christ. I love like Christ and satan has nothing in me. I have submitted all that I am to God for refining and resetting. Until then, I’m consciously guarding my heart with all dilligence. So help me God. Amen.

I don’t know how this post concerns you or if you learned anything from it but I’d just say this, it’s okay to be odd. It’s okay to be strange. It’s okay to be weird. It’s okay to be called crazy or too much. It’s absolutely okay. Just give that thing the world has condemned in you to God and watch him bring beauty of out of ashes and music out of broken chords. Let him.