You’re not single? Keep moving. This post isn’t for you. Now, here’s what I’m thinking about:

In this life, many people are married. (Men are scum. Men are scum but y’all keep saying yes.) Many are engaged. (Fear women. Fear women but y’all keep popping the question.) Many are in relationships. Many are in situationships. Many are in cruiseationships. Many are in hoesationships. Many are in friendswithbenefitashionship and many are single, like you. All these ships and you’re still shipless. What a wonderful life you live. (I’m not judging you though. Just saying. Plus it’s my table too so don’t take it too personally.)

People are single for different reasons. They also keep different attitude while at it. However, there are four kinds of different people I’m familiar with:

1. The single by nature: these ones are like stick sweets. Single and big headed. They think romantic relationships are overrated and too much of a hassle. Plus the whole concept of having someone get that close to them doesn’t thrill them. As long as money loves them they’re fine with being by themselves and cuddling their pillows at night. They’ve seen and heard enough to believe that many are actually mad. So they don’t feel like they’re missing out on anything. Hence, they enjoy their pillow cuddles and single life. (What a life they live. Bloody cocoyams.)

2. The single and resting: these ones have suffered. Their hearts have seen shege. They’ve been played like football, mashed like potatoes and blended like pepper by the children of this world. They’ve endured so much that they just can’t anymore. Therefore, they’ve decided to go on a relationship strike. They’re taking time to mend their hearts and heal. On the side, they can heavily relate with Ric Hassani’s thunder fire you. Some of these people give their all to recuperating while some of them sprinkle their rest with hoe-ing.

3. The single and hoping: these people are so patient that even the patient dog has left this patience thing for them. They’re not sure of what they’re looking for but they believe they’d feel it when they see it. They trust chemistry and butterflies to alert them. Sometimes they feel tempted to pick one of the dunces coming at them. They think they can design and fix them to suit their standards but they’ve tried and they’ve failed. Now, they just observe the relationship scene and hope the bone of their bone finds them before they become boneless. Like the single and resting, some of these people give their all to hoping while some of them sprinkle their hope with hoe-ing.

4. The single and desperate: these ones are desperate to be boo’ed up. They just want someone to send them sweet good morning messages and kizz them on the neck. They’re tired of being peppered by social media “coupuz” and they don’t give a toss about standards anymore. They’re just shooting and catching shots like no man’s business. They don’t even send red flags. They dye them and jump into the relationship anyway. When the dye fades away and the red flag becomes a red banner, they turn motivational speakers on social media. A good number of people in this category can’t stay single for long . A romantic partner is very significant to their well-being.

Of course, these classifications are insufficient to explain people and their single status but that’s by the way. Ignore the subtle shades and look me in the eyes (eyeball to eyeball), I’m on your side and this post is for you. Yes you, the single person. (My guyyyyyy.)

Either you’re happily single or tired of being single, this is me trying to make you understand that your being single doesn’t make you a failure. Being in a relationship is not a metric for success. I understand that being single in a world where people manage to make everything about romantic relationships can be hard. So I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. Nothing is wrong with you and your single status doesn’t demean you in anyway.

I get that being in a healthy relationship is beautiful and sweet (God. E dey cause jedi sef.) while being single can be terribly lonely. Nonetheless, I strongly believe being single is way better than being in a chaotic relationship. Let’s even ask ourselves, what’s the whole purpose of marriage and relationships anyway? Is it not to make life easier and sweeter for both parties? I’d say yes but look what we’ve made of them. A mess; an absolute mess.

I say if we ask people in relationships why they’re in a relationship as much as we ask single people why they’re single, we might be able to save some people from the sheer toxicity they call relationships. But no, people in relationships are the golden children we gush about while single people are the problematic ones that need to be fixed. Everyday “why are you single?” “Why are you single?” Like we all won’t die single at the end of the day. Ugh. (I’m single because I was born single bruv. It’s my natural state a.k.a my birth status and I’m maintaining it. Leave me aloneeeeeee.)

Honestly, it’s better to be alone than to settle for less or be in a relationship that eats at your peace of mind. This sounds super simple. It’s even starting to sound clichè but a lot of people are still suffering because they don’t get it. I read posts about the hell people endure in relationships and I feel so bad. (It peppers my body. God.) It’s better to be single with your chest than to be alone in a relationship (a.k.a taken for granted).

If the relationship will die without you breaking your neck to keep it alive, let it die. It takes two people to make it work and I don’t understand why you’re with someone that doesn’t deem you worthy enough to work on a relationship with. Are you that unaware of how amazing you are and how anyone would be lucky to have you? (Gosh darling. You’re a catch. Act like it yo.)

You’ll find love. You’ll jam the love of your life one day. It’d be so beautiful that you’d forget how hard it was before you found them. And if you don’t, nothing spoil, just buy a dog and focus on Jesus. Accept the mantle of Apostle Paul and be happy. Burn for Jesus. Burn like Shedrach Meshach and Abednego and rest on the promises of God. (Try to have money sha. It will be very bad to lose in two ways. No love. No money. What’s now your purpose in li… don’t worry. Sha try to have money. It doesn’t have to be plenty money like Jeff Bezoz’s own. It can be small like Jay Z’s own. Just portable money. Too much of everything is bad yunno.)

Lastly, God be with you as you continue to resist the urge to give in to pressure or settle for less. On the bright side, singleness is one thing you have in common with the richest man in the world. Feel very free to brag hunnay. Cheerssssssssss.