Yesterday was a wonderful day. I didn’t do much until about 7pm when I taught Bible-Study in church. I left church feeling hyper. When we say, in the presence of God there’s fullness of joy, we’re not lying.

I wasn’t sure of what to write about until a friend started telling me how some people (some people in my faculty, at school) told him stuff about me. Aha. Finally, a blogpost idea. (I’m a writer afterall. Everything is a story idea to me.)

This my friend said that “these people” think I’m rude and I have an attitude. He said they’re scared to talk to me. I found this last part very funny because:

1. Have you seen me? I’m really tiny like a caprisun straw. (I mean comme des falcons. You’re scared of thumbelina?)

2. I don’t even know these people. (I mean, they actually send my daddy. Wow.)

3.They don’t even have the guts to share their opinions of me with me. (Sorry. I forget that they’re scared of the fire I carry on my head.)

(As usual, there’s a background story. Please follow me.) In the neighborhood I was born and raised in (The neighborhood I hate), I don’t have any friends because I am different. I was tagged proud because I didn’t try to fit in. It’s like being blacklisted. It happened at church, at school and of course at home.

Eventually, I got tired of being misunderstood and gave up on people. I withdrew into myself like I explained in Ezinne. I wasn’t accepted by own family so I wasn’t expecting acceptance from other people. I was kind and friendly but people couldn’t tell. I’d sprinkled coldness and hostility over the kindness and friendliness.

I hardly talked so people assumed a lot of things and judged me based on those assumptions. My response was aloofness. I stopped trying to defend myself. I just shrugged and kept my head buried in books. (Books are better companions anyway.)

You see my family is quite popular. Everyone knows my parents and siblings and whenever they step out, it rains greetings. As for me, I hardly step out of the house and when I do, it’s with an unfriendly face and a leave me alone attitude. You can’t even greet me because I walk very fast. Before I’m there, I’m already gone. I was an unanonymous anonymous. (They know me but they don’t know me.)

People have called me to ask if my parents are my real parents because I don’t act like them. (Stylishly calling me a basteed. I see ya.) They’ve also asked my parents and brother the same thing. They say things like “she’s not like you, your husband or Bolaji.” We can laugh about this now because it’s obvious that I’d never fit in and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I remember the young boys around that call girls for fun. They’d never call me. They see me coming and start talking. I get close and they stop talking. (I’d never know if it’s me they’re scared of or my brother.) I’m so used to guys admiring me subtly that even now, when a guy is being overt with his interest in me, I’m like all these coldness and scary face and you still like me? Nice.

I admit to looking unapproachable. I’m better when I’m with friends though. (That’s a hack right there. I’m always in a better mood when I’m around my people. Even if I’m really not, I try to be more pleasant for them.) I’m worse when I’m by myself. When I’m by myself, my guards are all the way up. (You think it’s being a bad beesh. It’s anxiety boss. Defense mechanism. First attack. Whatever else it is. I’m a huge softie. One hi and I’m smiling like I have the whole world in my pocket.)

My brother would always come home to say things like: Tunde said I should greet you. I’d be like but I walked past him today, why didn’t he greet me himself? (Apparently, they’re not sure what to expect from the girl that’s always frowning and walking like the ground is burning her feet.) At home, those that don’t blatantly dislike me give me this subtle respect. They even brag about me. My brother comes home to give me snippets.

Now, I have this thing of taking special liking to certain people. I just like these people for no reason. I’m not usually hell bent on making them my friends but I go out of my way to be kind to them. There was Mohammed and there was Majid (there were about 2 or 3 years old at the time.) There was Abubakar too, another Hausa friend but older than Majid and Mohammed. The people I liked in my neighborhood were mostly children because that place is like a dump site, the longer you stay there, the more you get immersed in the dirt.

I’ve seen a lot of people grow out of their hopeful childhood to living an adult life that’s marked by hopelessness. The place literally snatches your childhood from you. I’ve seen even the good ones I was willing to put my money own follow the trend. The last time I went home, I saw the guys I grew up with at the bus-stop collecting “agbero money” (The place you raise your kids is as important as how you raise them please.) I suggested visiting Abule-Egba to an NGO I used to volunteer for and I was able to convince them. I don’t know if one NGO visit will do anything to change a place that’s inherently rotten but I want to believe it did something to the children that attended.

More times than I can count people have accused me of acting like I’m better than others and not for once have I been hurt by this particular statement. I know how I see myself. And yes, I act like I’m better but not better than anyone else but better than my present circumstance and where I come from. I act like I know who I am; like I won’t settle for less. (And damn right, I won’t.) As much as I’ve heard negative things about myself, I’ve heard positive things too. Even more than the negative but you know how negative words are. (Unlike postive ones, they’re very lousy.)

Things started changing in 2018. I let myself go a little bit. It was the start of something new because I started to see myself. I really saw myself. I understood that I deserve kindness and I owe kindness to people. I went from being “the scary girl with no joy” to “the cool girl with the vibes and amazing energy” (not in my neighborhood though. I’m still like a ghost to them. I’d never fit in that place.)

I understand that I’m naturally quite blunt, impatient and cold but I’m trying to do better. It takes time to genuinely change and we all understand how natural perfection is an illusion. I’m still trying though. I’m now cautious of the way I treat people. I am very conscious of the things I say and how I say them. (Exposure to mental health and the Holy Spirit have this on lockdown.)

I open my mouth to say something demoralizing and I remember how fast words can shatter a person’s self esteem or destabilize a person’s mental health. So I swallow it. I try to say something else and the Holy Spirit flushes it down with something that reminds me of who I am and how my words are spirit and life. (Most times I listen. On some ocassions I’m like nah, Holy Spirit let me give this person a piece of my mind.)

On a lighter note, I’m an absolute sweetheart like I said in Mya. I’m not even trying to sell myself just spitting facts. Maybe I have azzhole tendencies (and we all do) but I’m still a sweetheart regardless. The ones that know me know I’m a huge softie and nothing disarms me than kindness. Simple thoughtful things. They make me fall head over heels in love with people.

I’m also not a snob. I have anxiety and I understand how hard it can be to reach out to people. So whenever someone reaches out to me either online or offline, I’m committed to making sure they feel heard or seen. It’s why I don’t ignore messages unless a reply isn’t necessary or the sender is a goat. (I mean the one with horns that shamelessly cries about) I’m a sensitive person. I can sense how somebody’s feeling and in most cases, I go out of my way to make them feel comfortable.

I’m not bothered about these people who think I have an attitude. (It’s just a blogpost idea to me. Thanks guys.) I’ve heard way worse things about myself. I’ve also heard better things so it’s not even a deal at all. People will always talk. The good thing is I’ve hacked the concept of not minding what people say because mind over matter. (Actually, if you don’t like me, you need help. Sha don’t say it outside because plenty people like me and they can beat you.)

I’m also never going to apologize for who I am. Lol. No. I am who I am. I don’t need approval or endorsement from anybody. I remain committed to being a better person. Although I still have a long way to go, I’m proud of my growth so far. I know I am beauri. I’m a spec. I drip glory and my blood will never dry.

I’m also going to use this opportunity to tell you to be intentional about being a kinder and better person everyday. But never let people’s baseless assumptions and judgment of you make you feel bad. You’re beauri. Just keep being better and never ever ever ever try to fit in or settle for less. All the amazing things you’re dreaming of, you deserve them and you’d have them so chin up, shoulders high, one step in front of the other. (yeah, dazz right) Now, go for it. Cheerssss.