Today, a friend said and I quote “…you used to be so cool and jovial and optimistic and gingered up and bold and daring. I even wanted to be more like that……. I guess it’s more like, I miss the old you”

It took me a minute to reply. I had to be sure of how I felt about the words. The last time someone said something similar to me, I felt really sad. My response was to throw myself into NGO work to prove that “I still got it” This night, I didn’t feel sad.

Here’s how I responded “There’s no old me anywhere. I’m human. I’m still this person but unlike before I don’t hide my feelings anymore. I don’t fake being immune to the stresses of life.”

Before now, I used to be very people-centered. (You know they say don’t pour from an empty cup. Then, I didn’t even have a cup. It was directly from my jug into people.) All I wanted to do was make sure everyone was doing okay and staying jiggy. Most of my efforts were not reciprocated but I didn’t care. I was “the relentless busybody” and my goal in life was to make sure other people were living their best lives.

This continued for about two years until I had a mental breakdown. The absolute worst. One question rang in my head, what about you? You’re in everyone’s business. Going all out to make sure they’re fine but what about you? The mental breakdown helped me see how much I’d neglected myself and how much I needed myself. So I drew back. I drew back and cheered people on from afar. (I finally got myself a cup.)

Now, these past few weeks, I’ve been shuffling between highs and lows. I’m at a phase where I really don’t have the energy to consistently gas people up. I can barely even keep up with conversations. (I’m still a crazy optimist and an encourager because these traits are inherent.) I’m also expressing the melancholy part of me that has always been hidden. Now people think something is wrong with me because they think I’m all sunshine and rainbows. (Lol. There are clouds too fam.)

Like I told my friend, there’s no old me. There’s only me. I’m still everything I am although I no longer present the sunshine and hide the clouds. Every part of me is accepted and expressed now. The days of being the life of the party that goes back home to cry herself to sleep is over.

I’m no longer that girl that acts like life’s blows doesn’t get her down sometimes. I’m that girl that talks about how life blows gets her down and how she gets back up again because we don’t give up here. Not now. Not ever.

Quick word of advice: if you’re a people person, understand that you won’t always feel like hugging people. Sometimes, you’d feel like breaking their heads and that’s totally fine. This doesn’t make you a different person. You’re also under no obligation to always make people happy, you’re not money (and people no too get sense like that.)

Expend your energy into being true to yourself. Genuinely express and take care of yourself because you owe you the best of you. Cheersssss.